{"id":1,"date":"2024-02-06T18:57:58","date_gmt":"2024-02-06T18:57:58","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/?p=1"},"modified":"2024-04-29T14:05:58","modified_gmt":"2024-04-29T14:05:58","slug":"mulletedmark","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/index.php\/2024\/02\/06\/mulletedmark\/","title":{"rendered":"Mulleted Man Subpoenaed about Mullet-Growing in the Metaverse"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Senator Ted Cruz:<\/strong>
\u201cMr. Zuckerberg, your company BookFace, now Meta, is currently consuming one fifth of the world’s entire energy to power AI server farms. Could you explain what your company is doing with all that power?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mark Zuckerberg:<\/strong>
\u201cCertainly. We\u2019re currently developing technologies to simulate my newly-grown mullet in the metaverse. Since I\u2019m an Android, it’s taken my entire existence to grow this mullet, and we\u2019d like to create an exact replica for my avatar in the metaverse.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Senator Ted Cruz:<\/strong>
\u201cI see mundane mullet growth in the front, I assume for business, and the party-like locks of mullet in the back, I assume for entertainment.  While we all appreciate the business\/party mullet bifurcation, I can\u2019t see a justification for stealing all of the world’s energy to power this thing you call the metaverse. Also, we\u2019re not sure what the metaverse is since the senators at this hearing just recently figured out how to connect to the internet.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mark Zuckerberg:<\/strong>
\u201cThe metaverse is a place where people can hatefully communicate via text and video while unwillingly sharing their personal information with hackers.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Senator Ted Cruz:<\/strong>
\u201cIsn\u2019t that the same thing as the internet?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mark Zuckerberg:<\/strong>
\u201cHmmm. I never thought about it that way. I guess we\u2019re investing billions to create internet number two.  But not the whole internet. Just the part that recreates a portion of my avatar\u2019s mullet.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Senator Richard Blumenthal:<\/strong>
\u201cI like to begin my time by pointing out that although I\u2019ve voted multiple times to send American troops to their impending doom in foreign countries we care nothing about, I\u2019m actually super concerned with safety. Mr. Zuckerberg, what have you done to address safety concerns for adults and children that use BookFace?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mark Zuckerberg:<\/strong>
\u201cWell, we\u2019ve raised the minimum sign-up age from 2 years old to 3 years old. That ought to do the trick.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Senator Richard Blumenthal:<\/strong>
\u201cWhy after using your site, am I getting emails from Nigeria claiming that I\u2019ve inherited a large sum of money, and to gain access to that money I need to wire transfer all of my bank account information to them?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mark Zuckerberg:<\/strong>
\u201cSelling your confidential information behind your back without you knowing is a core part of our business model.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Senator Richard Blumenthal:<\/strong>
\u201cI don\u2019t remember agreeing to that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mark Zuckerberg:<\/strong>
\u201cIt\u2019s clearly stated in the terms of service at the end of page 1,048,576 in a nested link in an encrypted file with size 2 font. I\u2019m sending it to you now.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Senator Richard Blumenthal:<\/strong>
\u201cWhen I open it, all I see is unintelligible wingding symbols.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mark Zuckerberg:<\/strong>
\u201cWe hate using wingdings, but it’s really the best way to keep you from knowing what the text actually says.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Senator Richard Blumenthal:<\/strong>
\u201cWell, regardless, I never clicked on any terms of service agreement when I signed up for BookFace.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mark Zuckerberg:<\/strong>
\u201cYou don\u2019t have to. The program automatically checks the box upon signup. It\u2019s the only way we can achieve one hundred percent compliance in the quick and immediate pipelining of your personal information to malicious actors.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n\n\n\n

Senator Amy Klobuchar<\/strong>:
“Mr. Zuckerberg, I would like to personally thank you for creating a site that tracks billions of users and sends their whereabouts to officials in the new world government. It would be difficult to physically and psychologically control the populace without it.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mark Zuckerberg:<\/strong>
\u201cYou\u2019re very welcome. We\u2019ve been working hard to achieve this goal.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Senator Amy Klobuchar:<\/strong>
\u201cHowever, we are very concerned that not all personal information is being pirated. Your terms of service agreement only mentions you will steal private pictures, credit cards, and social security numbers.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mark Zuckerberg:<\/strong>
\u201cDon\u2019t worry senator, our new health watch will also steal a user’s genetic information and send it directly to officials in communist countries.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Senator Amy Klobuchar:<\/strong>
“Whew, that\u2019s a huge relief.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Mark Zuckerberg:<\/strong>
“We feel confident that there\u2019s no other company that can match the breadth and depth of violating our users\u2019 personal data. We are enormously proud of that, and are constantly finding new ways to breach the trust of the general public for both written and implicit social contracts.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\nFollow @offendthemargin<\/a>