{"id":265,"date":"2024-03-05T20:38:31","date_gmt":"2024-03-05T20:38:31","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/?p=265"},"modified":"2025-01-14T19:28:02","modified_gmt":"2025-01-14T19:28:02","slug":"kelloggs-ceo-gleeful-with-delight-while-instructing-americans-to-eat-cereal-for-dinner-to-avoid-abject-poverty","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/index.php\/2024\/03\/05\/kelloggs-ceo-gleeful-with-delight-while-instructing-americans-to-eat-cereal-for-dinner-to-avoid-abject-poverty\/","title":{"rendered":"Kellogg\u2019s CEO Gleeful with Delight while Instructing Americans to Eat Cereal for Dinner to Avoid Abject Poverty"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Kellogg’s CEO Gary Pilnick channeled a continuous serial killer-type smile while announcing their ‘Cereal for Dinner’ campaign:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAfter exhausting revenue streams for our \u2018Cereal for Lunch\u2019 campaign, we naturally decided to move into the ‘Cereal for Dinner’ category. Normally, inflation-induced poverty caused by our government printing quadrillions of dollars would be a bad thing, but in this case, our earnings are up 189% year to date. In fact, I\u2019m delighted to announce our new \u201cNo Food – Let Them Eat (Frosted) Cakes\u201d cereal initiative is doing fantastic with high growth potential\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOh wait, I thought this was an investor earnings call. Ok, in that case, let me pivot to tell you how healthy our dinner lineup is, as you can see in the below diagram of our top three sellers:\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Kellogg's Healthy Dinner Options<\/strong>\n\u2022Special K-Hole Cereal with Xtra Ketamine \n\u2022Invert Sugar Syrup S\u2019mores\n\u2022Heroin Honey Smacks<\/pre>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAlso, inspired by Joe Biden\u2019s favorite nemesis, we are excited to present our newest cereal: Coco Corn Pops.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The CEO then went on to list all the ways they are working with the FDA to radically improve consumer well-being, through a systematic re-engineering of their ingredients:<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2022 Replacing American Cane Sugar with Chinese Corn Syrup and Sulfur Hexafluoride<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2022 Replacing Oats with Partially Hydrogenated Oil and Drywall Flakes

\u2022 Replacing Wheat with Caked Particleboard and Chloroform<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u2022 Replacing all other grains with Hexavalent Chromium<\/p>\n\n\n\n
Gary Pilnick also denounced allegations that they are actively promoting unhealthy lifestyles just because they are getting kickbacks from medical insurance agencies every time someone gets sick from eating their cereal.<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAll foodstuffs we produce contain only whole natural chemicals and non-GMO construction site runoff. Also, any lab produced toxins added to our foodstuffs are FDA approved.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The camera shifted to the unnamed doctor working at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center, who recently gave Biden a physical and had declared the president \u201cFit for duty\u201d with \u201cNo new medical concerns.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
\u201cAs a medical doctor, I declare Kellogg\u2019s foodstuffs fit for human consumption with no new medical concerns for its contained carcinogens. I will now leave the premise for fear of taking questions about my statement.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n
<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
\u201cAnd may I remind you, our new Marshmallow-Only Luckier Charms is slightly healthier than our Throat-Clogger Uppers, which consist exclusively of industrial waste products and soy lecithin.\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":266,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_kad_post_transparent":"","_kad_post_title":"","_kad_post_layout":"","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-265","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-article"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/265","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=265"}],"version-history":[{"count":41,"href":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/265\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":639,"href":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/265\/revisions\/639"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/266"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=265"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=265"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=265"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}