{"id":680,"date":"2026-08-31T17:12:39","date_gmt":"2026-08-31T17:12:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/?p=680"},"modified":"2026-08-31T17:48:17","modified_gmt":"2026-08-31T17:48:17","slug":"man-found-innocent-after-robbing-bank-and-identifying-as-someone-who-didnt","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/index.php\/2026\/08\/31\/man-found-innocent-after-robbing-bank-and-identifying-as-someone-who-didnt\/","title":{"rendered":"Man Found Innocent After Robbing Bank and Identifying as Someone Who Didn\u2019t"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

A man accused of robbing a Bank of America was found innocent Tuesday in the U.S. District Court, after federal prosecutors declined to pursue charges based on a controversial identity\u2011recognition statute.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI ain\u2019t steal sumptin\u2019. I identify as Augustus Reginald No-Crack Carter, a well-respectified, upstandable citizen that certainly never robbed no bank,\u201d said Tyronne Bigunton.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

According to investigators, the suspect was apprehended moments after exiting the bank vault carrying a burlap sack overflowing with stolen currency, hand-painted with a dollar sign, so he wouldn\u2019t mix up his crack bag with his stolen money bag, while intoxicated on crack cocaine. Witnesses say he was covered in a fine white powder and appeared surprisingly cheerful during the arrest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In court, Tyronne\u2019s public defender expressed frustration with the case.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI know I\u2019m supposed to be defending him,\u201d the attorney said, \u201cbut it\u2019s kinda hard when there\u2019s so much white powder on his hands, the entire courtroom looks like a confectioner in a candy shop.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Despite ironclad evidence, including footage from seven security cameras, twenty eyewitnesses, and Tyronne admitting that \u201che got caught white-handed again,\u201d the federal prosecutor declined to pursue charges, citing compliance with the Federal Identity Recognition Statute, which requires officials to legally acknowledge a defendant\u2019s self\u2011declared identity.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThe defendant identifies as someone who didn\u2019t rob the bank,\u201d the prosecutor told the judge. \u201cUnder federal guidelines, there\u2019s nothing we can do.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The judge, visibly exhausted, asked for clarification. \u201cSo you\u2019re refusing to prosecute?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cLegally obligated, Your Honor,\u201d the prosecutor replied.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The defendant, still dusting powder off his palms, twitched and nodded confidently as the courtroom erupted in confusion. The judge ultimately dismissed the case, noting that while the situation was \u201cfunctionally indefensible, operationally irrational, and legally preposterous,\u201d the statute left him \u201cno procedural alternative,\u201d and required him to return to Tyronne his currency, apprehended crack, and stolen currency that will likely be used to obtain more crack.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cI\u2019m guilty of being innocent. You\u2019re arresting the wrong me!\u201d<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":678,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"give_campaign_id":0,"_kad_post_transparent":"","_kad_post_title":"","_kad_post_layout":"","_kad_post_sidebar_id":"","_kad_post_content_style":"","_kad_post_vertical_padding":"","_kad_post_feature":"","_kad_post_feature_position":"","_kad_post_header":false,"_kad_post_footer":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-680","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-article"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/680","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=680"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/680\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":688,"href":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/680\/revisions\/688"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/678"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=680"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=680"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marginallyoffensive.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=680"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}