“I’m guilty of being innocent. You’re arresting the wrong me!”

“Enes Kanter Freedom is not serious about identifying as a woman, because he didn’t even bother to purchase a discounted human-hair wig on Craigslist from a communist factory in Beijing,” says WBNA Commissioner Cathy Engelbert. Gender identification should be based on the size of the wig, not on the size of her penis,” she emphasized.

“Commandeering Greek Letters worked for naming Covid strands. Plus we’re already masked up for illicit Pansexuals for Palestine activities.”

“Caterpillar covered crickets are the new caviar,” declares UN Head Chef.

“Dollar(s) Menu still an incredible value,” totes McDonalds CFO. “For less than a hundred dollars, you can partially feed an unshaven vagrant.”

“And may I remind you, our new Marshmallow-Only Luckier Charms is slightly healthier than our Throat-Clogger Uppers, which consist exclusively of industrial waste products and soy lecithin.”

“I’ve rallied my whole life against the people who told me I couldn’t craft awful, nonsensical lyrics that no one understands…I really thought I could win this time.”

“I’ve been having conversations…cogent conversations…with Abe Lincoln…last Night. I’m mentally finagle as a bagel. Abe said so himself.”

Gender is hard. Delve into the brain of Matt Walsh as he ponders the difference between “pants tents” and “minge muffs.”

CEO of Meta questioned about using a large portion of the world’s energy to create a replica of his mullet in the Metaverse.