Kellogg’s CEO Gleeful with Delight while Instructing Americans to Eat Cereal for Dinner to Avoid Abject Poverty

Kellogg’s CEO Gary Pilnick channeled a continuous serial killer-type smile while announcing their ‘Cereal for Dinner’ campaign:

“After exhausting revenue streams for our ‘Cereal for Lunch’ campaign, we naturally decided to move into the ‘Cereal for Dinner’ category. Normally, inflation-induced poverty caused by our government printing quadrillions of dollars would be a bad thing, but in this case, our earnings are up 189% year to date. In fact, I’m delighted to announce our new “No Food – Let Them Eat (Frosted) Cakes” cereal initiative is doing fantastic with high growth potential…”

“Oh wait, I thought this was an investor earnings call. Ok, in that case, let me pivot to tell you how healthy our dinner lineup is, as you can see in the below diagram of our top three sellers:”

Kellogg's Healthy Dinner Options
•Special K-Hole Cereal with Xtra Ketamine 
•Invert Sugar Syrup S’mores
•Heroin Honey Smacks

“Also, inspired by Joe Biden’s favorite nemesis, we are excited to present our newest cereal: Coco Corn Pops.”

The CEO then went on to list all the ways they are working with the FDA to radically improve consumer well-being, through a systematic re-engineering of their ingredients:

• Replacing American Cane Sugar with Chinese Corn Syrup and Sulfur Hexafluoride

• Replacing Oats with Partially Hydrogenated Oil and Drywall Flakes

• Replacing Wheat with Caked Particleboard and Chloroform

• Replacing all other grains with Hexavalent Chromium

Gary Pilnick also denounced allegations that they are actively promoting unhealthy lifestyles just because they are getting kickbacks from medical insurance agencies every time someone gets sick from eating their cereal.

“All foodstuffs we produce contain only whole natural chemicals and non-GMO construction site runoff. Also, any lab produced toxins added to our foodstuffs are FDA approved.”

The camera shifted to the unnamed doctor working at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center, who recently gave Biden a physical and had declared the president “Fit for duty” with “No new medical concerns.”

“As a medical doctor, I declare Kellogg’s foodstuffs fit for human consumption with no new medical concerns for its contained carcinogens. I will now leave the premise for fear of taking questions about my statement.”