McDonald’s Adds Extra Zero to Price of Dollar Menu, Hopes No One Notices
“Dollar(s) Menu still an incredible value,” totes McDonalds CFO. “For less than a hundred dollars, you can partially feed an unshaven vagrant.”
Reeling from the increased cost of secret sauce and compressed chicken pieces, McDonalds clandestinely added a zero to the price of its Dollar Menu items.
“We had to terminate our Photoshop guy in marketing after making unreasonable demands for minimum wage,” a local McDonalds franchisee owner said. Luckily, someone named Lester was able to step in and do a bang-up job for our Dollars Menu redesign. It looks even better than our McRib tastes.”
An independent investigation was not able to identify the real name of the person employees refer to as “Lester the Molester,” only that the man is not an actual employee of the company, has been arrested multiple times for indecent exposure, and sleeps in a pop-up tent next to the microbulk CO2 tank in the back. His recorded age of 80 on the job application, was recently revealed to be the proof of liquor he was drinking at the time.
Although police have removed him multiple times from the premise after dropping jeans to expose his boxers while drunkenly yelling “Pants Party” at customers, he keeps coming back when the McDonalds opens.
Police Chief Regina Renaud says she cannot arrest him because he is fulfilling all requirements of local squatting laws. “He was able to produce someone’s receipt that had the address of the McDonalds, and that’s all that is legally required to maintain residency. Also, he said his tent was here first.”
The franchisee owner acknowledged the complaints but denied Lester was engaged in any wrongdoing.
“Just because he’s standing in front of the pickle vat with his fly unzipped for 45 seconds at a time, every few hours after chugging vodka, doesn’t mean he’s taking a whiz in the pickles. In fact, I was so sure he wasn’t, I had the pickle juice lab tested. The pickle liquid came back only 49% urine, which is well within the acceptable PPP (pickle pisser percentage) for McDonalds.”
The McDonalds owner claimed that allocating work to unhoused bums in exchange for day-old chicken chunks is just one of many steps in reducing cost inputs in the upcoming quarter.
“I would like to find a vendor that can supply our McDonalds with a lower-cost special sauce. The only problem is that I can’t find another source, since no one knows what the sauce actually is. All I know is that some substance is delivered every week in a truck with foreign symbols on it. While we do have a very diverse group of productive indentured workers, they have only been able to inform me that the characters look like a bunch of circles, huts, and triangles.”
