Company Producing Bird Flu Vaccines that Prevent Death, will Bundle in Dinosaur Repellent that Prevents Dinosaur Sightings
Spurred to do better than the ineffective Covid-19 vaccines that were tested on 8 rats over two weeks, clinicians increased to 9 rats and added a mouse, instantly instilling consumer confidence.
Concerned with a lack of potential future submission, the CDC made a strategic decision to pre-commit to being surprised by a sudden and unpredictable future pandemic that’s sure to occur exactly when presidential voting first begins.
According to the National Institute for Occupational Health and Safety, it would be safer to vote for Joe Biden than to risk going back to the hellish, unbridled productivity spurred by the capitalistic system his predecessor helped promote.
One official explained:
“We really were safer when curfews prevented people from getting to work, driving to the polls, or gathering in dangerous open spaces where ideas could be freely exchanged without electronic government monitoring. While we are against mis- and dis-information, we are most concerned with mal-information, which is communication that is true but could lead to something we don’t like, such as not getting the jab.”
“The biggest source of mal-information for us at the CDC, was the CDC report of severe adverse side effects, conducted and audited by the CDC. I understand that much of the population thinks they shouldn’t get something injected into them that has a 97% chance of death, hospitalization, and permanent disability, but remember, it comes with dinosaur repellent and french fries.”
The CDC also tried to rein in another source of mal-information called comorbidities, which lists all the causes of death on a death certificate. Comorbidities for Covid deaths were on average 5, which means if someone died of drowning, electrocution, being shot by a firing squad, and beheading at the same time, it would be listed as a Covid death if they had a light cough.
The CDC also stuck behind their scientific method for reporting vaccination statistics, even as the data had come under increased scrutiny over the years.
The co-director of the National Center for Health Statistics was quick to retort:
“Sure, statistically, I could understand why someone wouldn’t think a plus or minus 45% margin of error with a 10% confidence interval sounds amazing, but it’s actually the most accurate reporting for any mRNA vaccine ever released.”
Former New York City major Bill de Blasio, who was involved in the original “Covid Vax for Chalupa & French Fries Give Away,” was back on tour to promote Shake Shacks’ Bird Flu Vaccine Gorge Fest Bonanza. Bill declared, “For every person that gets the jab, I’ll binge eat 10 burgers.”
It was reported that long lines of people were knowingly risking their lives by getting injected to maximize the chances of de Blasio having a heart-attack.
While most media outlets enthusiastically promoted the CDC’s pro-vaccination messaging, some were lukewarm on the Dinosaur Repellent-Bird Flu Bundle upcharge.
Briahna Joy Gray of The Hill reported:
“While we haven’t seen any reports of dinosaur sightings, we can’t confirm if it’s the result of people using dinosaur repellent or some other unknown factor. We also haven’t seen any actual deaths from Bird Flu, so we can’t confirm if that’s the result of people getting vaccinated or some other unknown factor.”
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