Man Found Innocent After Robbing Bank and Identifying as Someone Who Didn’t

A man accused of robbing a Bank of America was found innocent Tuesday in the U.S. District Court, after federal prosecutors declined to pursue charges based on a controversial identity‑recognition statute.

“I ain’t steal sumptin’. I identify as Augustus Reginald No-Crack Carter, a well-respectified, upstandable citizen that certainly never robbed no bank,” said Tyronne Bigunton.

According to investigators, the suspect was apprehended moments after exiting the bank vault carrying a burlap sack overflowing with stolen currency, hand-painted with a dollar sign, so he wouldn’t mix up his crack bag with his stolen money bag, while intoxicated on crack cocaine. Witnesses say he was covered in a fine white powder and appeared surprisingly cheerful during the arrest.

In court, Tyronne’s public defender expressed frustration with the case.

“I know I’m supposed to be defending him,” the attorney said, “but it’s kinda hard when there’s so much white powder on his hands, the entire courtroom looks like a confectioner in a candy shop.”

Despite ironclad evidence, including footage from seven security cameras, twenty eyewitnesses, and Tyronne admitting that “he got caught white-handed again,” the federal prosecutor declined to pursue charges, citing compliance with the Federal Identity Recognition Statute, which requires officials to legally acknowledge a defendant’s self‑declared identity.

“The defendant identifies as someone who didn’t rob the bank,” the prosecutor told the judge. “Under federal guidelines, there’s nothing we can do.”

The judge, visibly exhausted, asked for clarification. “So you’re refusing to prosecute?”

“Legally obligated, Your Honor,” the prosecutor replied.

The defendant, still dusting powder off his palms, twitched and nodded confidently as the courtroom erupted in confusion. The judge ultimately dismissed the case, noting that while the situation was “functionally indefensible, operationally irrational, and legally preposterous,” the statute left him “no procedural alternative,” and required him to return to Tyronne his currency, apprehended crack, and stolen currency that will likely be used to obtain more crack.