Joe Biden Assures Mental Acuity in Top Hat he claims Gifted from Abe Lincoln
“I’ve been having conversations…cogent conversations…with Abe Lincoln…last Night. I’m mentally finagle as a bagel. Abe said so himself.”
President Biden called an emergency press conference on his own volition to revoke Special Counsel Robert Hur’s report that classified Biden as an “elderly man with a poor memory.”
Reporter Ashley Winkle, Washington Post:
“Some of your colleagues have stated off the record that your mental prowess is at a severe decline, from even a few years ago. How do you respond?”
Joe Biden:
“Prowess, I’ll show you prowess. See me after the speech for a reverse grope and sniff. I call it the Biden special.”
Reporter Jim Davey, Wall Street Journal:
“Mr. President, you were recorded by your ghostwriter, Mark Zwonitzer, admitting you “just found all the classified stuff downstairs.” Are you concerned that your own admission of guilt for illegally possessing classified documents will be used against you in a court of law?”
Joe Biden:
“I never admitted to possessing classified documents, except when I said I possessed classified documents in the interview about the book chapter on me mishandling documents, captioned under the picture of me taking documents out of carboard boxes marked classified in my garage by my Corvette.”
Reporter Liz Larris, PBS:
“We all noticed you wearing a tall top hat with Ray-Ban sunglasses indoors. Would you like to explain the new look?”
Joe Biden:
“The glasses are from when I starred in the movie Top Gun. The hat’s from Abe Lincoln. He said it makes me look like a president.”
Reporter Sarah Gurnel, ABC News:
“We would like to run a piece on why Americans and Undocumented Noncitizens should vote for you with untracked mail-in ballots that will be delivered in unmarked vehicles in the early morning hours during the darkness of a new moon. Can you please tell us about your exemplary physical vigor and excellent mental health?”
Joe Biden:
“Mentally health? I’ll show ya mentally health.”
President Biden then proceeded to demonstrate his health by physically picking up the microphone and instantly injuring himself.
“Owww, my back! You special council S.O.B’s. You’re gunning for me! You put this heavy 2lb microphone on the wooden thing and made me pick it up.”
Biden was carried out by secret service while holding his back with one hand and reaching to grope reporters with the other while shouting incoherent obscenities at Cornpop.
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